Working as a counselor in a college setting, I often work with young adults who are navigating relationship challenges. One of the most common relationship challenges that brings a student to counseling is difficulty communicating with their romantic partner. In fact, communication problems are one of the primary concerns that bring couples to counseling in general. In this post, I will share some general information from marriage research that explores harmful communication styles that can occur for any couple, and how to turn them around.
Insights from Marriage Research
The field of marriage research has grown extensively in recent decades, and one prominent researcher of this field is a psychologist named Dr. John Gottman. Having experienced three divorces himself, Gottman pursued personal and professional questions about long-term relationships during decades of research, such as why do couples break up/divorce, and why do they stay together? His methods included observing hundreds of couples and their interactions with one another, and investigating the connections between interaction patterns and relationship outcome. One of his primary discoveries is that there are four harmful communication styles that can predict break-up and divorce with incredibly accuracy, so he refers to these harmful communication patters as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
The First Horseman: Criticism
The first harmful communication pattern is constant criticism. As we fall into familiar routines with our significant other, our communication can trend toward the negative. Criticism can include nagging, but it usually takes a darker form. Criticism occurs when we constantly point out every time our partner forgets to call us back, every time they fail to follow-through on something, or every time they did this and that wrong. Criticism is the expressed disapproval of someone based on perceived faults or mistakes. It can feel like constant jabbing on the receiving end, and it’s very detrimental to someone’s self-esteem.
In fact, from Gottman’s research we now know that there is an important ratio of positive/negative communication that must be maintained in a relationship to prevent what he calls negative sentiment override (overwhelming negative feelings about the relationship). He argues that it takes five positive and encouraging statements to outweigh the emotional burden of one critical remark in a relationship! So that’s five compliments for every criticism.
The Antidote
If you notice that your communication with your partner is becoming more critical, or if you are receiving more criticism than encouragement in your relationship, it’s important to address the problem kindly and assertively. Having a compassionate and loving approach with your partner is most effective. You could start by explaining, “I’ve noticed today that you’ve criticized me five times, and it makes me feel really hurt. Could you try to point out moments when you appreciate me? That would help me feel loved.” If you catch yourself in a criticizing pattern, remember the golden ratio of five compliments for every criticism. Before you point out the perceived flaw or mistake, prepare at least five compliments or appreciative statements that you could offer your partner to ensure they continue feeling loved, and to prevent them from falling into negative sentiment override.
The Second Horseman: Emotional Stonewalling
When patterns of negative communication persist for a long time in a relationship, Gottman explains that some partners will experience emotional flooding and overwhelm where they shut down and stop communicating. When you notice that you’re the only one talking in the discussion and your partner is staring at the floor with their arms quietly crossed, this is emotional stonewalling. Couples that are prone to heated arguments are at incredible risk of emotional flooding and stonewalling. This communication pattern is so harmful, because it leaves both people feeling helpless and hopeless about resolving problems together.
Stonewalling is not always a consequence of emotional flooding and overwhelm. It can also be a form of emotional abuse when one partner seeks to exert control over the other by shutting them out and refusing to acknowledge their concerns or feelings. If you have tried every kind and compassionate approach for resolving problems with your partner but they always walk away and refuse to talk about the issue, no matter how they are feeling or what’s going on for them, this could be a sign of manipulation. In healthy relationships, each person should feel acknowledged, heard, validated, and understood.
The Antidote
If emotional stonewalling is a problem in your relationship, you could approach your partner by sharing, “I’ve noticed that you often walk away or shut down whenever I bring up this issue, and this makes me feel like my emotions and concerns don’t matter to you. Is there another day or time when you would feel more comfortable talking about this issue? When you make an effort to hear my point of view and validate my emotions, it assures me that you love me.” In this way, you extend an olive branch by understanding that your partner might have conditioned emotional responses to a heated topic, and they will need to process their emotions before they can engage in a rational discussion to solve the problem. By taking the lead with understanding and compassion, it increases the chance that our partner will respond in kind. Of course, if they absolutely refuse to engage in calm discussion regardless of the amount of time they’ve had to process and prepare, this could signal other potential problems such as secrecy and deception.
The Third Horseman: Defensiveness
Another harmful pattern that can arise in relationships is defensiveness. This is a reactionary psychological defense of counter-attacking one’s partner in response to a perceived attack. Most people will defend themselves when they’re being criticized, but with patterns of defensiveness, one or both partners can react irrationally when they are unable to hear and accept constructive feedback. The usual counter-attack strategy is to put the blame back on the other person. For example, let’s say you explain to your partner how it makes you feel whenever they interrupt you in conversation. Their defensive response might be, “I never do that, you are always interrupting me!” or “Well if you didn’t ramble so much then I wouldn’t have to interrupt you!” In it’s worst form, defensiveness can turn into gas-lighting, which is another form of psychological abuse and manipulation where one partner tries to convince the other person that their feelings, thoughts, and perceptions are always wrong. Gaslighting often sounds like, “You’re so crazy, why are you always over-reacting?” or “That’s a ridiculous way to think/feel, the right way to think/feel is….”
The Antidote
To resolve patterns of defensiveness in relationships, Gottman recommends that both partners practice taking responsibility when problems arise. Although we might feel in the moment that defending ourselves and counter-attacking will get us what we want, which is usually for problems to go away, this habit usually leads to increasing problems and growing feelings of frustration, resentment, and anger in a relationship. One way we can take responsibility is to apologize for a mistake and identify a corrective action. For example, “Oh wow, I did not realize how often I interrupt you during conversation. Next time I will wait for you to pause before interjecting.”
The Fourth Horseman: Contempt
One of the most harmful patterns of communication that can arise in relationships is contempt. Contempt is the expressed feeling that a person is beneath consideration, that they are worthless, or deserving scorn. The way contempt can feel on the receiving end is that your partner hates you, devalues you, or is disgusted by you. What a horrible way to feel, the opposite of feeling loved! Contempt often arises when problems in a relationship have festered and gone unresolved for a long time, or after years of criticism, defensiveness, or emotional stonewalling. Contempt often includes cruel generalizations, “You are so lazy you never do anything!” or “You’re always such a b*tch, stop nagging me all the time!” Contempt very easily translates into emotional abuse when a couple starts spouting violent language or name-calling one another. If you are experiencing any signs of emotional abuse, please talk to your family and a therapist. Enduring emotional abuse can lead to trauma and other long-term mental health problems.
The Antidote
Unfortunately, contempt is a very serious relationship problem that is very difficult to overcome. When couples are staying together for some other reason despite a loss of love and affection for one another, their best hope is to engage in couples counseling so that they can rediscover their strengths and positive qualities, and revive the hopes and dreams that brought them together in the beginning. Counseling can also help couples experiencing contempt learn more effective skills for expressing their emotions, and getting their needs met in the relationship.
In general, Gottman advises that couples resolve contempt by practicing what he calls “the soft start-up,” where you speak from the first-person and avoid feeding into your partner’s negative emotions. For example, instead of approaching your partner by saying, “You didn’t come home until 2:00 am last night and I had no idea where you were!” you should start with the I-statement: “I feel really frightened when I don’t know where you are and I need to know what time you will be home.” Words of appreciation and fondness can help resolve contempt as well, where we help soften our partner’s negative emotions by demonstrating love through their preferred love-language.
In Conclusion
I highly recommends any of Dr. Gottman’s books, and often provide my clients with free articles and resources about relationships that are provided on his website and online. My two favorite books by Gottman are 8 Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, which is one I often recommend to couples who are dating, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If you and your partner are struggling with any of these communication problems, I also recommend that you connect with a Gottman certified therapist who has training in his assessment and treatment methods for relational problems. You can find Gottman trained therapists online at PsychologyToday.com.